Every new year I have resolutions. But this year I want to be free of any bindings. Am I doing the right thing? But then what is right and what is wrong? That is something that I can well afford to ask at my age. So much time has passed, I have lived 5 decades and more. I believe that anything that I have been taught can be questioned. But do I want to? I would rather just go through the motions, keeping the decorum and the peace. I understand when I read this quote by Joan Didion- “Character-the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life- is the source from which self-respect springs!” Having said that, moving on, no resolutions, no biggish plans, small ones have to exist to move one foot in front of the other so to speak, the beat invariably goes on, no lines drawn, just flimsy ideas. Take everything with a pinch of salt, no major decisions, just living life organically sound, less load bearing.
Happy mornings, cheery walks in the garden, enjoying the breezes that remind you that nature is everything. In the garden, the trees the plants, the flowering fruits and plants, the birds, the cats, everything brings the memory of the man who built it in his lifetime. Death has a way of reminding one that beauty is transient, and nothing is permanent. The well-manicured garden once maintained during the life of a person, has now begun to look like somebody forgot to water it much less tend it. Leaves askew, plants withering and lanes out of shape, only remind one that nothing remains perfect, everything wanes with time. A certain discomfort envelopes me, as I begin to realise that the mind is more comfortable in a landscaped park perhaps it’s because it was probably planned through a thought.
Just like life, when it’s organised and there is a sort of order, the mind understands it better. But can I live any differently? For what is left after 5 decades of order? Can I go through life organically with whatever comes my way- is the question. When I travel into the jungle, as I most times do, and let my mind absorb every bit of solitude that I can encounter in my days there, I find that even in that maze is a strange incomprehensible order, that might or might not look like chaos to the human mind. But I do see the hidden harmony in it all. For me, it is in nature, that I reach out for my peace and structure, and where I become most re-aligned.
It feels like now I want certain parts of my reality to change, I wasn’t thinking of any major changes, but of just merely letting life flow. It first starts with early morning rises, when one looks into the unfathomable depth of one’s day, into the silence that fills the spaces. The stillness is precious in its entirety. It becomes the canvas that prompts us to go forward, to fill it with appropriate content. I think to myself, contemplative, would there be sound without silence, light without dark, hate without love and so forth? The flowers in my garden remind me that they are more delicate than the plants they emerge from. So does that mean, we can also be more fragile than the lives that we root from? Our backstories matter.
We all question ourselves about how we can be our intrinsic selves. Do we realise that we already are, just that we should not add on extra baggage that might taint who we already are? Most times we are lost in too many thoughts, but becoming aware is a better place to be because then we become more conscious. Our inner purpose has always been to awaken ourselves. We were always meant to go beyond the suffering in this life. By gathering material things, doing unnecessary things, and overthinking we clutter up our lives, thus filling up our consciousness. This probably causes more suffering than we care to admit.
How do we create gaps in our streams of thinking? By meditating, bringing stillness into our lives, becoming aware of our breadths, watching our thoughts etc. All these create the much-needed gaps. I find that whenever I am upset about a person or an event, it’s really not as it looks. It is merely the perception of the situation that drives my mind crazy. Not everybody can understand that and rise above it, because most of us are taken in by the very thought, that very emotion, that very experience to such a degree that we feel that we are in a dream-like state, almost like an entrapment. Most times we spend so much of our time in discontent, worry, anxiety, depression, or despair, that we are robbed of enjoying the simpler things in life, hence we tend to ignore what nature has to offer. Do we even bother to enjoy the wind or the rain, the beauty of the clouds etc? Do we even realise that spaces in us open up when we reach out to a stranger, offering him a moment of kindness, creating in us a sense of well-being almost?
If peace is really what we want as individuals living this day-to-day life, then that is what we will choose and strive to get. Accepting situations and getting right to them would then seem paramount. One has to be consciously present at the very moment, but that does not mean that we should not be willing to initiate change or be averse to taking action. The universe usually plays along when it feels that we are trying our utmost. It works with us to give us what we need. Thus, we need to make peace with our present. In this life, all of us have had our fair share of experiences, and lessons learnt because of them. How we learn from them and how we adapt to the coming years is totally up to us. Our life’s journeys are all about becoming more of who we are, with the hardest experiences teaching us our best lessons. But all the same, we have to keep evolving, though we are all deeply connected to the energy of all creation. We have to consciously decide to be in the world but not of it.
What all of us should believe for sure is that our breath is our most important anchor. It helps us to centre ourselves. We sometimes unconsciously hold our breath, and as we pay attention to that we realise how much tension we are carrying. So it is better if we slowly inhale and release for that is in itself an act of surrender. My mother used to always remind me that to help others first help yourself in even as I breastfed my children, she insisted that I eat first and then settle down to do the obvious. I had never understood then, now when I read about this aeroplane oxygen mask theory: If one doesn’t mask first, one would not be able to help another. And I finally understand. Sometimes having the best things, and the best of everything does not help in filling any gaps. It is not a substitute for having the best life. It’s only when we can let go of the desire to acquire that we know we are really on the way. Perhaps thoughts for another day?
